Haunted.

A million miles distant from where I should be. A once passive thought grown ravenous in my mind. I've been down this path before and I know where it leads. Something remains. Stalking me. A demon that never left.  

When I was young I used to write letters to God.

I miss those days.  When life was simple.  The lines in the sand were not so convoluted.  When I knew it all and nothing could touch me.  I lost sight of that and have become overly cautious and totally closed off.  But I've been tip-toeing around life for too long now.

This last Monday marked the 15th anniversary of my Father's death, and it was the hardest anniversary I can remember.  It all just hit me.  He's been gone for longer than he was around in my life and it's getting harder and harder to remember him.  For years, even after I 'accepted' his death I have just let a lot of these emotions fester and it has taken it has taken its toll on me.  

I've made a vow to be a better son, stop tip-toeing about and work at being a better person.  I've lived enough negativity to last a lifetime.  I've overlooked the gift of friendship and family for too long.  It's time to make ammends and atone for everything.

Terminator Salvation

"Ma'am do not be alarmed, but the key to my release lies beneath this pillow."
-Robert Downey Jr. in the Sherlock Holmes preview

Sad to say, probably the most entertaining part of my movie tonight, Terminator Salvation.

I won't go into specifics as perhaps I was expecting too much from this movie. I mean for fucks sake they cast Christian Bale as John Connor, I thought it was fool proof. Apparently not so much.

It felt like a drawn out, ADD plagued, grasping onto straws attempt at revamping the Terminator series after T3 was such utter crap. Don't get me wrong, speaking as a person who suffers from moderate ADD, the movie was decent and kept me enticed with explosions, guns, the possibility of rape in a futuristic wastleland and machines made out of bullet bikes (wat [yes I mean "wat"] the fuck?).

It felt like a 40 year old virgin idiot fest when people laughed and cheered at the 'clever one-liners' that have been recycled since the first movies in the series. Come on. "I'll be back." Are you fucking kidding me? Really? Fuck you, you'll be back, buddy. Eat a dick. AND PEOPLE WENT NUTS!? Fuck them too.

Yes sir, I don't have a lot of good to talk about this attempt -which I sincerely hope fails- of a cashing in on a once good story film. Fuck man.

I mean here it is, if you have followed the series like I have, for as long as you have known what Terminator was, then the movie is definitely a must see, unlike T3. But don't expect to emerge from this film with your intelligence un-insulted. It will make you feel dumb for expecting more from this dying dynasty.

This Present Darkness

It's all around me. Natural, given the fact its 2 am and I have been prematurely awakened from a mild slumber. A light cacophony of a television in the other room, and the incessant chatter of my keyboard are my only company. They give me no comfort, however. Each keystroke and obnoxious voice that rings through the bland background noise only adds to my annoyance. Why? I wonder sometimes...

My mind goes to bleak places in these times and my only real release is to write it out. To who? No one in particular, it's been my response to such things since I was young. I expect no one to read this, nor do I really desire it. The documentation of it is really the achievement I strive for. Again no purpose but for future musings and reflection of my own.

The annoying tapping of my keys and the occasional light howling of my fans are begging me to sleep, as if trying to soothe me, but offering no relief to my inability to do so. Instead my thoughts drift to the night and mischievous, some may say malicious contemplation. I don't have my knife tonight, leaving the wallet may be wise, but perhaps the knife would only cause more problems than it would be worth. Who stalks these streets at 2 am anyhow? A long walk may be in order, it used to soothe my mind in my teen years.

Late night/Early morning trespasses are definitely warranted. No phone, no car, nothing but myself and the quiet of the night.

Its 3 AM now.

I'm on hour 36 of no sleep. I'm shaky. Restless. I need to get out of here. Where to and to do what? Who knows? I remember when I was a kid. I'd be making my way back home right about now usually this time of night. In the junior high years it would be from an x mile walk, usually around 10-12 miles. The endeavor would have began approximately 5 hours ago. In high school it would have been the conclusion to a night of either hanging out somewhere or creeping about somewhere else.

Now I just sit here. There is no purpose here. I'm grabbing at straws here and somethings gotta give. Why can't I sleep?

Days just drag. I never thought I'd miss the Army. I do. But only because I had purpose. Fuck them for defining that. At the same time thank god. I've gotta find it. I've gotta find something to fill that void.

School seems so far off. UXO seems like such an impossible road. Bomb squad. Kids, that's the shit I am talking about. Can I do what I was gonna do in the Army in the civilian world instead? Will my hip let me? I dont give a fuck, I have to try. Gimme 2 years kids, naw fuck it a year and a half, maybe even by this time next year. I'll be on my way.

Fitting, I think. Saving people by destroying the destructives. It makes sense. It's a good balance, yes?

This bleak heart.

This bleak heart is choking on its own sympathy. I have seen where hope leads and its deceit makes me sick. The promise of a better world under the foot of a new tyrant, completely oblivious. I tread this sea of faces, stomping out the brightest of smiles, an echo, a reflection of what this world has made me believe.

Ahead is the tower of Babylon, burning in self proclaimed glory. Festering with sickness. The stench of lies here is staggering. The tower and its people can't see their own decay, have no sense of perception of suffering. My greatest wish, make them suffer. Tear down this rotten spire and leave their festering carcasses writhing in the wake of their devastation, drowning in the dust that pours forth from inhuman veins.

If this bleak heart could project itself upon the world, hope would be exposed for the fraud I've come to know it to be. Cities would burn, blazing spires from which mothers cast down their own children, the picture they paint on the concrete more accurate a depiction of hope's folly than I could ever conjure.

This world is already burning and we are already dead. It is just a question of when the fires turn themselves in on us when the natural landscape can no longer sustain them. If this bleak heart could show itself, you all would flee into the flames in the horror I'd show you.

It's coming, but this hopeless heart will have nothing to do with it.

The restraint.

Today I felt the need to evaluate the terms I have been living my life on. I'm so tired. I have developed this... tendency. Ages ago I would have slipped out of my house and into the night and committed some form of harm to someone or something. It's not like that anymore.

Where did that passion go? I don't know. I guess it's ironic to say I really don't give a fuck. I don't wanna use this as my fucking soapbox to vent my bullshit to you fucking webturds and that is NOT my focus, just bear with me and my one way mind. Oh and if you don't like the term webturd, well you can just uh, fuck off.

This is what I wanted to get at with this. I evaluated why I am living like I am and I came to the conclusion that I simply exist. I look at some of these people tell me "living" is. All this recklessness and blind passion. I stopped "living" a long time ago. What do you call it when that recklessness is honed and the blind passion refined? Is this what some of you other people would say is "living"?

My next question to pose to you is this: What is it when you have felt that refined passion drain from every breath? When you can no longer feel your hands, head or heart because you simply don't give a fuck anymore? When you want the world to burn, but want the people to live but want them to suffer but want them to be happy while they are suffering?

What is that?

What I really would like to know, my friends, is this: How do you relate?

oh and picture credit where credit is due Sandara@DeviantArt